Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Prepare To Qualify

Based on what I did last night it's around 1985:
  • Played original Atari “Pole Position”
  • Watched two episodes of “The Golden Girls”
  • Had Honey Nut Cheerios for dinner
  • Went into a blind panic when I couldn’t find my last package of strawberry pez (I found it, don’t worry)

Here’s to hoping 1986 is just as boss. Happy New Year!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Weekend Update :: Volume 6

Sheepie describing her dance style:

Just think of me as a sunbeam.

On a related note

Sheep’s Friend describing Sheepie’s dance style:

She looks like a dinosaur being born.


Nootle, while watching a commercial for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra:

I don't get why people are all pumped about the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. It’s basically the orchestral version of Whitesnake playing “Frosty The Snowman.”


Me, on Dec 26th:

People should quit bastardizing Christmas and turn off their Christmas lights.

Although I’ve documented my feelings on Christmas here, here, and here, by the afternoon of Dec 25th I’m completely over it. It annoys the hell out of my sister.


Random girl outside of The Garage:

My hair would be so much cuter in Colorado.


This week’s lesson: I should move to Colorado.

This week’s challenge (look it’s a challenge!): Name a Whitesnake song without googling it. GO!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Weekend Update :: Volume 5

Nootle, who is weeks away from being 29 but who has the Christmas enthusiasm of a 7-year-old:

Let’s shake presents!


Pinnah, while shopping for princess attire for her trip to Disney World with her niece over Christmas:

Princess dresses weren’t built for Dolly Parton boobs.

Pinnah has a lot of boob


Me to Noodle:

Just so you know why your life is about to change, I’m now DVRing “Night Court.”


Lesson: I spent my entire weekend shopping with Pinnah and Nootle, and there was apparently no time to be funny. And I like “Night Court.”

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Year Of The Strawberry

With Christmas only a few days away, Nootle and I started talking about Christmases from when we were growing up (Nootle’s my younger sister). She decided her favorite Christmas was the year she got her “My Little Pony Castle” (obviously, I mean wow). And while the year I got my “Annie Mansion” is a close second, I’d have to say my favorite Christmas was without a doubt the year I got my Strawberry Shortcake bike. It really was as amazing as it sounds. (Stay with me guys, there’s a cameo by Superman)

I was the picture of blissfully happy that Christmas morning in 1981 (I was four) as I mounted the pink, berry covered bike of my dreams. This thing was tricked out with TWO woven plastic baskets, red and white streamers, and three – count them three – pictures of the queen herself, that diva of the berry-people, Strawberry Shortcake.

My brother, who is less than a year and a half older than me and understood the importance of this bike, made sure to take a close looksie at the inner workings of this fine piece of machinery before I played with it. Berry bike or not, I could get hurt. He seemed sufficiently pleased though:

(Ok sorry, I clearly lied about that Superman thing. It’s really just my brother in his Superman pajamas. Don’t be mad.)

So there I was, standing there with this new mode of transportation, this sign of my new-found independence, this nod of confidence in my responsibility from my parents wondering how it could get any better. Well ladies and gentlemen, how about a MATCHING JOGGING SUIT. I couldn’t believe how sophisticated I was. I was coordinated with my bike for christ sakes! It was unbelievable.

So I call my bff Mattel and you won’t even believe this:

(Me on the left, Mattel on the right)

She had the exact same christmas.*

And with that, I hope you get every bike, berry, and bff you wish for this year. I bet you’ve earned it.

Happy Holidays!

*Please note our parents did not plan this.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Ho, Ho, Ho, yo

I am in love with Christmas. I write it notes hoping it will check yes, I send it flowers hoping it will like them, I dry hump the Christmas tree hoping I’m not being to “forward” (because above all else, I’m a lady). I can’t get enough of Christmas.

Just so you know I mean it and I’m not just a tree-humper, this is a list of Christmas themed shows/movies I’ve watched in the last five-ish days (keep in mind I’ve been sick so I had more extra time on my hands than I ever wanted):

  • Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation – 2 times
  • A Christmas Story – 2 times
  • Dr Seuss’ The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (animated) – 1 time
  • Dr Seuss’ The Grinch Who Stole Christmas (Jim Carrey) – 2 times
  • I Want A Dog For Christmas, Charlie Brown – 1 time
  • It’s A Wonderful Life – not even half (that’s the farthest I’ve ever gotten in that movie. Meh.)
  • The History of Christmas – 1 time

Listen, I am in no way proud of this. I get how pitiful I am, I just don’t care. It’s the one month out of the year where you get to throw tacky shit all over your house and get complimented on it. (“Wow, that miniature gold sequined Christmas tree is AWESOME!”) It’s the only time of the year you get to ruthlessly and painfully spend money on people without being accused of having a “spending problem” and being told you should really “save your money” and “plan for the future.” It’s the only time of year where eating your weight in cookies is just a Tuesday.

So with that, I hope you are enjoying this time of year while simultaneously helping the economy through purchases for your loved ones.

For the cat lover in your life:

For the host/hostess in your life:

And for the romantic in your life:

And for the commie with bad breath in your life:

So go suck up some holiday joy! Just make sure you check it twice, you don’t want to suck up anything that’s not holiday joy. Or maybe you do, I don’t really know you.

Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


You guys? I’m sick. Not the kind of sick where you know you’ll be healthy again at some point in your life. I’m the kind of sick where I can’t even see health on the horizon because of all the projectile vomit that is obscuring my view.

No kidding, I’m disgusting. And because I’m always the over-achiever, I’m multi-tasking on the different ways one can be sick.

Yeah it's gross but life isn't always pretty.

Send help. And saltines.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Weekend Update :: Volume 4

Nootle on her eating habits:

I wish I’d quit eating like a hippo.

Please understand that Nootle is little but she could still be a contender for one of those professional eating contests. Especially if it was a balsamic reduction eating contest. (that was funny to exactly three people).


Sheepie, after sniffing her armpit:

It smells like a gyro under here!

Sniffs it again

Maybe a hot dog stand.


Me at Pet Supplies+

Where are your dog yamika’s?

Turns out they don’t sell them.


Nootle, who was being taken home early bc her flu made its appearance in the form of fear-of-vomiting panic around 10PM Saturday night:

I just wish I’d throw up and get it over with

Pinnah, who was with us in the car:

I can help you with that.


Lesson: Even if your crisis is puking at I-90 W and McKinley Ave, your friends will still help you.

Now go revel in holiday joy my gyro-scented favorites.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Top Ten Reasons Why I’m Not Jogging Tonight

10. My day kicked my ass, and if your day kicks your ass you then have license to sit on said ass for the rest of the evening.

  1. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” just came on and I’d be a fool to walk away now. “Bend Over And I’ll Show You.” (dedicated to Billy).
  1. I’m in the middle of convincing myself that it is in fact spring and if I go outside I might notice otherwise.
  1. With the holidays just around the corner, it’s important I maintain my weight. Now is not the time to half-ass things.
  1. I just don’t want to, so back off. Damn.

Does it smell like pee in here to you? Because my dog is on steroids again (for real) which means she pees more, and I’m paranoid I didn’t get home in time. Do you smell something? I mean if you don’t, fine - but you’d tell me if you did smell something, right? What were we talking about?

  1. It’s hard for me to stay focused on something for long. My attention span has been compared to that of a curious monkey (thank you Nootle), so jogging for any real amount of time can be trying.
  1. It’s cold outside, yo. (see: #8)
  1. I don’t have an adequate bra for jogging so my boobs always end up doing their best impersonation of an overzealous cheerleader at a high school football game. OMG GO TEAM!
  1. Due to over-consumption of some delicious wine last night at Bar Cento, I feel a bit “off.” I might end up leaving a trail of stomach bits to find my way home, a la Hansel and Gretel.
  1. It’s hard to jog and eat Burger King fries at the same time.

Follow-up: I went, although I’m using the word “jogging” very liberally here. (see: walking).

Monday, December 8, 2008

Weekend Update :: Volume 3

Flash reviewing his plan for the evening at Mahall’s:

I promise not to throw up this time.


With all seriousness Nootle said:

I’m so glad I have cocoa butter again. You guys don’t understand - I’ve been using blistex and it’s been total hell.


On how I did in the “Turkey Trot” run downtown:

I was passed by senior citizens who were jogging with their elderly pets.

(funny because it’s true. really.)

Friday, December 5, 2008

Gift Idea

Stop stressing out about what to get me, I'll tell you what I need. I need a JetPack.

You're welcome.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Guitar playing homeless man: Hi there.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Guitar playing homeless man: Just living the dream!

Me: Ok, have fun then.


That's one shitty dream.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Doing It For The Sweet Baby Jesus

Don’t judge me on it, but I freaking loooove christmas. I’m not one of those people who wear the flashing “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” sweaters (…in public), but I am one of those people who take full advantage of having a free pass to buy presents. The minute my fork hit the plate after thanksgiving dinner, my debit card began inching its way out of my wallet despite the S.O.S. being transmitted from my weeping bank account.

The most rock-solid purchase of the weekend had nothing to do with buying awesomeness for others, but instead it came in the form of two unmatched socks. Lookie:

How sweet are those? They immediately reminded me of christmases at our cabin in colorado where many a happy memory (complete with magic fairy dust in the wake of a snowmobile) were made.

So in the spirit of kicking off the holiday season the way god intended, I invite you to meet me for a drink where we will link arms and (drunkenly) sing christmas carols. I’ll even wear those fancy socks up there.

Happy (it’s way too early to be saying this, I’m so sorry) Holidays my favorites!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Weekend Update :: Volume 2

Nootle, after Thanksgiving dinner

“I officially just became your bulimic friend.”


Lounge Kitty on stage at Brothers Lounge

“Don’t hold it against me, but I just killed your Christ.”


Pinnah, who hates Christmas

“I feel nauseous, although it could just be the Christmas spirit.”


Me, talking with my best friend

“I don’t know why I don’t like blue cheese. It just hits the back of my throat wrong….kind of like his wiener.” *points to best friends boyfriend*

Monday, November 24, 2008

Horned Potatoes

Well hey dair! I was totally missing you.


Thanksgiving is in t-minus two days, and since I’m a veggie my focus tends to lean towards the side dishes. And since I’ve set more than one kitchen aflame, I tend to look for side dishes that are easy, tasty, and for the most part hard to leave a house in a charcoaled state of mind.

So in preparation for Thanksgiving I’ve been looking for the BEST MASHED POTATOES EVAAAR recipe.

Listen, I love mashed potatoes. They make me salivate to the point of needing to put on my bright orange floaties, slap some zinc on my nose, and jump in the deep end. They’re just good. This is a fact.

After sifting through thousands of recipes (actually, none) I decided to go with Giada De Laurentiis’s Baked Mashed Potatoes with Parmesan Cheese and Bread Crumbs. Her recipe won not only because I happened to catch an episode of Everyday Italian where she showcased her skills on the potato, but mainly because it consists of two different kinds of cheese - I would eat my dog’s poo if someone sprinkled two kinds of cheese on it. I’m nothing if not refined.

On a side note: My dad once found a bag of potatoes in our pantry that had sprouted horns. He apparently found them right as I was walking in the kitchen, which prompted him to greet me with “WATCH OUT! HORNED POTATOES!” and proceeded to throw a potato at my face (which in all fairness it did have horns, so I basically had it coming).

For months after this I would get in my car and find horned potatoes. Except at this point the horned potatoes had evolved to have toothpick legs and arms. There’s no point to this story except that if you think about it, that’s sorta weird. I mean this went on for mooooonths. You had to admire his dedication.

So anywho - the mashed potatoes. I meant to test my recipe before the big day but that of course didn’t happen. So if you have any cooking tips regarding potatoes or any other ideas on how to ramp up the awesomeness of these already awesome potatoes, feel free to leave me a comment. (ahem).

I’ll go ahead and notify blogspot so they know why their server crashed. I’ll now just sit back and wait for the avalanche of comments.

Here’s to mashed potatoes, horned potatoes, and zinc on my nose.

Happy Thanksgiving you cute little turkeys.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Weekend Update :: Volume 1

Since this is the first round of Weekend Update here on TWNT, not all quotes are from this weekend. These are just a few favorites from the last couple of weeks.


Nootle (after doing the running man in my kitchen for several minutes)

“No wonder I was so in shape when I was younger, I was always doing the running man.”


Me (talking about Hot Lee)

“Just hearing his voice makes my vagina stand at attention.”


Mattel (after smuggling a crown and coke from a bar and then throwing it in her own eyes as she tried to get in my car)



Raddy (talking about her husband – who she’s been married to for 23 yrs)

“Last night he was bugging me so bad I almost sprayed hairspray in his eyes. Is that mean?”


Mattel (after being scared by something – I can’t remember what)

“That scared me so bad it made my butt hurt.”


Me (referring to the rotting jack-o-lanterns that will apparently remain on my porch until xmas)

“Those are our jesus pumpkins, back off.”


The lesson? Bars in Cleveland Heights rig their glasses to attack if taken from their homes. Noted.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I've Been Looking For You Guys!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - wait a minute. How long have you guys been here?

Damn, I never get invited to the good parties. Seriously, you could have called. I mean, what the hell guys?


So, hi! No, no - your eyes do not deceive you. I really am the last person on earth to get a blog. I'm finally here, and I can't wait to see what my trophy looks like.

I know, I know. I'm a little late, but don't think your patience is unappreciated. I'm FULL of appreciation over here. I mean you've been here waiting for what? Like five years? More? In any case, I appreciate the hugs instead of the face-punches after showing up so late. No really. I'm baking cookies for all of you tonight.

I'm super pumped to be part of the blogging community where I can write things down for millions of people (see: five people that are currently being blackmailed by yours truly) to read. It seems like a great use of my already limited time.

Oh the grammatical errors? You're funny. I didn't even spell grammar correctly (thank you spell check) so let's not lose too much time worrying about it, ok? Great.

Did you just hear that? That was the sound of my life grinding to a halt. Good times are ahead of us...just you wait.