Werd

I totally forgot about this place. What did I do with my summer? A lot of this:










I'm pretty much leading a parallel life with the President of Mensa.

Weekend Update :: Volume 9 (The God Bless America/Al Anon Chronicles)

This weekend consisted of cooking out, some quality hang out time with friends, and most abundantly, drinking. So grab your sponsor and grab a drink because this weekend was a bit rough.

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P-Daddy: I think we might go to a tribe game if you wanna go.

Me: Maybe. How are the Indians doing anyways, I tuned out awhile ago.

P-Daddy: It's still a disaster. I'm not going to the game to watch baseball, I'm going so I can drink without being judged.

Me: You're a genius.

==

PC: Let's play 3-man

Me: You're not going to throw up at the table again are you?

PC: Right. Let's play something else.

As you might guess, the story behind this doesn't end well.

==

The morning after a marathon drinking session I wandered upstairs to Ginne and Sam's (and where the Iowa Brothers were staying for the weekend) to see who was alive and who had given themselves up to the vodka gods as a sacrifice for the greater good of everyone else in the house.

Me: Did you get sick this morning?

Pinnah: No, which is surprising considering I ended the night drinking cocktails out of a vase.

==

Lesson: Indians games can still be fun, 3-man should never (EVER) be played with PC, and vases should only be used to display flowers.

Here's to hoping you classed the 4th of July up as much as we did.

On No You Di'Ent

Mona Lisa letting you know.

Sunday, Funday

Oh Sunday.

You and I have always gotten along for many reasons. From letting me wake up extra slow while drinking coffee all day, to letting me take advantage of your "showers, schmowers" and "no pants is no problem" battlecries.

I gotta be honest, as long as we stay true to the Sunday, Funday mission, I think we're friends for life.

Lylas.

Beffie, My Wonderwall

Me: Oh sad, Ed McMahon died
Beffie: Good, I'm done with that fuck.

Please note that Beffie is not a hater, she just has very strong feelings about random things for no reason at all.

Edit: I'm not even going to mention her thoughts on Farrah and MJ.

===

Beffie: People like Margaret should not be on facebook for hours at a time doing quizzes. She should be working. Or selling her plasma.

Please note that Beffie is right.

==

Beffie: I lost a ton of weight so I went to get cute little cuppy-cup bras, and I put them on and my tits were like jell-o in them! I was like "who liquidated my tits!"

Beffie on how her boobs have no shape anymore.

==

My Summer Vacation

Well this is a bit overdue.

Hola Mehico!

A few weeks ago me familia went for a week-long trip to Cozumel, and I am currently working on a word that means both "frekkin sweeet" and "don't make me leave."

I didn’t want to come home at all. In fact, I can't believe I showed enough sense of responsibility that I came back to reality instead of storing myself away in a coconut in order to live on the island (no not that one) a few extra days. I not only gave myself a pat on the back for being such an adult, but I also gave myself a slap on the ass. I deserved it.

Here’s a summary, in picture form, of an average day in Cozumel

==

My day would start with a little of this (the coffee was frekking delish)

I would then take said coffee and go to my balcony and look at this while waiting for eek (younger sister) to get ready:

Breakfast time! (eek)

What i got to look at while eating breakfast:

It was exactly like being in Cleveland.

After breakfast it was time to slow things down for about 8 hours so we could lay on the beach.

"Beeches on the Beach"

(l to r) eek and kathy (older sister)

(l to r - Daddy-O kicking back and mom in the H2O)

When we would cramp up from laying around so much, we'd do a whole bunch of this:

(l to r - me and eek)

Saw a lot of these:

We never got bored but if we had gotten bored, Eek and I agreed we'd pass the time by bench pressing Kathy.

We made time to go to the other side of the island for some exploring and more picture taking.

Here’s (t to r) eek, dad, and I on the beach.

Here’s our family portrait (l to r - kathy, mom, dad, eek, me)

Everything was going great until eek was attacked by something

And my hair started looking like Nick Nolte's:

Then we’d head back to our room to shower before dinner.

Holy hell! It’s an elephant made of towels! Thank you housekeeping.

After dinner it was sunset time:

And drinky time:

What can I say except Mehico, I salute you.

There's Some Good News, And There's Some Bad News

Good news: I'm back! (no, no....tears of joy are unnecessary).

Bad news: I just saw my last post about Bonnaroo and almost cried a little because I'm not going. That's right, I'm not going. (I have two tickets if anyone wants to buy them *cough*).

The round-the-clock music for four days? Gone from my life this year. The favorite trip of the year with my favorites? Ripped from under my feet. The giant mushroom to cool off in? I'll have to install my own.

To say I'm bummed would be a vast understatement.

But don't fret, my loves! Save your pity for someone who needs it because the reason I won't be enjoying myself in Tennessee (which by-the-by, the farm on which Bonnaroo takes place was once owned by my great-great(-great?)-grandparents. Totally weird.) is because I will be here:

Oh yes. In t-minus two-and-a-half weeks my crazy-ass family and I will be sitting on the beach in Cozumel for seven glorious days.

Exactly.

Tennesse, Tennessee, Ain't No Place I'd Rather Be

Ladies and gentlemen I officially have my BONNAROO TICKET.

For those of you who don’t know, my Bonnaroo partners-in-crime (I’m looking at you Pinnah and Mattel) and I skipped Bonnaroo last year. It wasn’t out of “its gone too commercial!” or any of the other festival-that-is-successful-shit-talking but more bc the line-up was crap. Nonetheless, we were totally bummed we didn’t go.

This year? Well if you haven’t checked out the artist line-up (this is only first round, many additions to come), you need to do so now. Check, check, check, check it out:

Bonnaaroooooooooooo

And the best part of the whole thing? My favorite person in the world is going with us for the first time (I’m looking at you Nootle). Oh yes, my sister has finally caved.

Good times are about to be had.

Keep Me, The Black Keys (I wasn't tagged either but here it is anyways)

What does your music library say about you?

1. Put Your ipod on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song.

What do your friends think of you?
So Happy Together, New Found Glory (Remake, although I think the band is tagged wrong in my itunes)

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
Help Me Mary, Liz Phair

How would you describe yourself?
Gin and Juice, The Gourds (Remake…obviously)

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Baby’s Got Sauce, G. Love & Special Sauce

How do you feel today?
Sugar Magnolia, The Grateful Dead

What is your life’s purpose?
Keep Fishin, Weezer

What is your motto?
Anybody Else But You, Moldy Peaches (I’m waaaay pre-Juno, but thank you for killing the album)

What do you think about very often?
Bueno Vista, The Starlight Mints

What is 2 + 2?
Fee, Phish

What do you think of your best friend?
Sister, Do You Know My Name, The White Stripes

What do you think of the person you like?
Young Folks, Peter Bjorn & John

What is your life story?
Woodstock, Alice Smith

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Rehab, Amy Winehouse Featuring Jay Z

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
When You’re Smiling (The Whole World Smiles With You), Louis Prima

What will you dance to at your wedding?
An American Girl, Tom Petty

What will they play at your funeral?
Happiness Ball, Ember Swift (damn, be a LITTLE sad you guys)

What is your hobby/interest?
Let The Devil In, TV On The Radio

What is your biggest fear?
Party At Your Mama’s House, Widespread Panic

What is your biggest secret?
Where Is My Mind, Pixies

What will you post this as?
Keep Me, The Black Keys

Weekend Update :: Volume 8

I should be totally upfront and say that until April, I have no extra time. At all. So once again all I have for you is a single quote:

What i said to Xena (who is my new favorite person besides the obvious favorite people):

I love you like I love David Hasselhoff. And puppies. And puppies on a naked David Hasselhoff.

==
I promise to be more consistent with this blog. I promise to do stupid things and then rat myself out here for everyone to read. I promise to tell you how nice you look and to tell you how much I miss you when you're not around. I promise to bake you cookies and deliver them (still hot from the oven) to you while you lounge in bed. At the very least I promise to hang out with drunk people and write down what they say.

Weekend Update :: Volume 7

I found that two weeks off work where you wake up at 11AM and are drinking by 2PM makes it hard to go back to real life. Today I just kept walking up to my co-workers and doing the "shaykah, shaykah" cocktail move...but they would just frown and patiently shoo me away.

All this being said, I only have one quote from the weekend:

Goonslur, who was out of town and has two cats I checked in on and one wii I want to permanently “borrow,” received a text from me:

"Your pussies have been pet, but I did not fiddle with your wii"

==

That is all. Regularly scheduled programming will convene in t-minus two days. I’m busy as what.