Top Ten Reasons Why I’m Not Jogging Tonight

10. My day kicked my ass, and if your day kicks your ass you then have license to sit on said ass for the rest of the evening.

9. “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” just came on and I’d be a fool to walk away now. “Bend Over And I’ll Show You.” (dedicated to Billy).

8. I’m in the middle of convincing myself that it is in fact spring and if I go outside I might notice otherwise.

7. With the holidays just around the corner, it’s important I maintain my weight. Now is not the time to half-ass things.

6. I just don’t want to, so back off. Damn.

Does it smell like pee in here to you? Because my dog is on steroids again (for real) which means she pees more, and I’m paranoid I didn’t get home in time. Do you smell something? I mean if you don’t, fine - but you’d tell me if you did smell something, right? What were we talking about?

5. It’s hard for me to stay focused on something for long. My attention span has been compared to that of a curious monkey (thank you Nootle), so jogging for any real amount of time can be trying.
   

4. It’s cold outside, yo. (see: #8)

3. I don’t have an adequate bra for jogging so my boobs always end up doing their best impersonation of an overzealous cheerleader at a high school football game. OMG GO TEAM!

2. Due to over-consumption of some delicious wine last night at Bar Cento, I feel a bit “off.” I might end up leaving a trail of stomach bits to find my way home, a la Hansel and Gretel.

1. It’s hard to jog and eat Burger King fries at the same time.
   

Follow-up: I went, although I’m using the word “jogging” very liberally here. (see: walking).